Yeerk Academy: Humans 101
by TwistyWristy
Summary: Hilarity ensues when a new mandatory course that all Yeerks must take is unveiled, Humans 101. Visser Three is chosen as one of the first to take the course. Who will be his classmates? What will the classes involve?
1. A Horrible Morning

Aboard the Blade Ship, inside of a small corridor an epic battle raged, two human lives hanging in delicate balance as they fought hand over hand to survive.  
The more muscular of the two viciously threw out a fist at his smaller opponent who smiled confidently catching the fist in her open palm.  
"Paper beats Rock," She breathed in relief. "YOU get to wake the Visser."

The man took a deep calming breath; they had agreed on best out of seven, she had won fair and square so there was only one thing left to do.  
He took off, sprinting down the corridor, the young woman's shocked furious shouts following him.  
_Dishonorable, yes but alive, also yes_. the man thought smugly for all of about seven seconds, until something collided with the small of his back and brought him crashing to the ground.  
"No you don't!" the woman panted, scrambling to her feet and drawing her dracon beam, training it at him. "Get in there!"

Beaten and dejected, the man shuffled slowly back down the corridor until he came to the door of Visser's personal quarters.  
Pausing he took a deep breath - the woman tensed, remembering what had happened last time— took another deep breath —she cranked the dracon beam up a few notches—and then without warning, the man fell to his knees and started bawling.

"What are you—" the lady began and the man grabbed her legs, a combination of snot and tears flowing thick and fast.  
"He's going to kill me! He's going to kill me! No one's ever wakened the Visser and lived, no one!"

"Get off of me and get in there you big coward!" The woman snapped in disgust just as the door burst backwards to reveal an absolutely livid Visser Three.

«What vile creature woke me with that god-awful racket?» he bellowed, smacking his tail on the ground.

The man and the lady as well as the entire crew of the ship froze, several hearts skipped from between one-to-five beats and a terrified silence befell the ship.  
Not even the ships propulsion systems dared to make a sound as Visser Three's stalk eyes slowly scanned the room, the man beginning to whimper as the narrowed eyes fell upon him, the lady wishing the man was not still clutching her legs not only because it was absolutely revolting but because she feared Visser Three, in his anger, might slice her down as well with his tail blade.

"Sir, you're going to be late for your meeting with the council!" The main squeaked in one terrified breath, pulling back as far as he could, closing his eyes tightly.  
«Why didn't you wake me earlier!» Visser Three bellowed in alarm, his furious anger dissipating—the man breathed a sigh of relief too soon as the anger came back full force and Visser Three beheaded him with a vicious swipe of his tail.

«Clean that up.» Visser Three roared at the woman, who nodded shakily and hurried off to round up some Taxxons.

«Incompetent fools, I TOLD them...» Visser Three snarled, storming back into his quarters, hastily combing down his fur and applying conditioner.  
«SOMEBODY BETTER BE MAKING ME SOME FOIÉ GRASS!»

A sudden clang of pots and pans told him that no, no one was making him his Foié grass and he threw the conditioner across his room, storming towards the kitchens.  
The trembling chefs quickly hid the ingredients—no one had the courage to tell Visser three that Foié 'grass' wasn't what he thought'—as Visser Three stopped directly in front of one of the younger chefs.

«What do I eat for breakfast?» He said dangerously, all four eyes boring into the chef's.  
His arm trembled so badly that the beaker of water he was carrying sloshed violently, threatening to spill all over the Visser.  
A sense of self-preservation kicked in and his arm stopped trembling.  
_Visser Three eats whatever he please._ The chef thought and smiled. It was perfect.

"Oatmeal." the chef nodded. Wait! Oh GOD no did he just say Oatmeal!  
«Oh GOD did you just say oatmeal?» Visser Three roared, then roared again as the chef's arm started violently trembling, spilling cold water all over the fur he had just conditioned.

His tail blade cracked through the air, quivering to a stop just before the neck.  
«I asked, what did you just say?» Visser Three repeated his voice full of maliciousness.

The chef wracked his brain furiously as his colleagues sympathetically continued cooking.  
_Oatmeal, not to be taken literally sir but as a metaphor that you are so strong and powerful that you can take on the impossible!_  
The flattery would work it had too!  
"Instant Oatmeal." His mouth said, betraying him once again. "The Maple Ginger kind."

The Visser's stalk eyes widened looking just as surprised as the chef was.  
«Instant Maple Ginger Oatmeal makes you insane!» Visser Three roared with rage, stomping his hooves and waving his arms to emphasis this rage.  
«Are you trying to kill me, do you want me to die?»

"Yes." the man thought realizing his mouth would betray him by saying exactly what he didn't want.  
"Yes." he told the Visser, his mouth realizing it had blown the past two times and was determined not to screw up this time.

Before he could even comprehend the fact that he had made yet another mistake, the chef's head went flying through the air.  
Visser Three marched back towards his quarters, pausing momentarily as he passed a window noticing a cloud with an uncanny resemblance to a Gedd.  
It was not the uncanny resemblance that caused Visser Three to pause though, it was the fact that the cloud was completely stationary.

_This can not be happening!_ Visser Three muttered to himself.  
«WHY IS THIS SHIP NOT MOVING!» He roared in disbelief. «I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!»

He galloped towards the cockpit and four squeals later, made good on his threat.  
Chest heaving, he took hold of the controls and the ship shot off towards the meeting.  
This had been an absolutely awful morning.

The sudden sharp smell of burnt Foié gras told him things had just gotten worse.


	2. An Awful Idea

For my brother who told me "Visser Three was most displeased with the lack of updates."

Enjoy man!

* * *

"You're over an hour late Visser Three." a man said disapprovingly as Visser Three disembarked from his blade ship. "The council does not appreciate being made to wait."

«My sincerest apologies, Councilor Nine.» Visser Three murmured, bowing his head respectfully.  
«There were… difficulties.»

As if to show just how difficult things had been a head tumbled out of the ship and landed in front of the Councilor.  
Slowly, Visser Three's eyes rolled around, stopping to radiate a look of pure hatred at a terrified man, frozen in fear at the ship's door.  
He was wearing latex gloves, carrying a bucket of soapy water and had somehow let one the bodies he was cleaning up escape.

"Never mind that Visser." Councilor Nine snapped impatiently, waving his hand. "Come along to the meeting hall, let the grub dock your ship."

Ship dockers were a rarity, only really available whenever a council member was expected to make an appearance.

Visser Three flicked a thin, rectangular, crystal, access card towards a pimply faced, teenage controller, his boredom melting away when he realized he was being allowed to park a Visser's Blade ship.

«Do not scratch it.» Visser Three warned in a low voice. «Do not flip it, do not kiss it, do not touch the Dracon Cannons and do not leave filthy human fingerprints over my windshields.»

"Of course sir," the kid babbled, bowing low. "Thank you for this wonderful opportunity sir."

"Stop butt-kissing and park the ship Efsim-2983!" Councilor Nine ordered and the boy flushed, hurrying off onto the ship.

"Ah, to be a grub again, eh?" Councilor Nine asked Visser Three with a chuckle and slapped him on the shoulder. Visser Three twitched with discomfort at the touch but didn't dare throw the councilors arm off as Councilor Nine lead him into the building ahead of them and after a few halls, into a large auditorium.

"Finally." Councilor Two muttered rather loudly from the stage he and the other councilors were sitting on as they pushed through the double doors.

The rest of the Yeerks, seated in the auditorium voiced their displeasure by loudly booing Visser Three.  
In mere seconds, Visser Three had scanned a few seats, picked out a non-critical controller to make an example of and his tail was halfway to the man's throat when a small cough from Councilor 5 made him stop.

«You would be so dead if the council wasn't watching!» Visser Three hissed.

"Screw you." The controller hissed boldly and Visser Three nearly lost it but with great effort, restrained his tail muscles.

"Take a seat over there with your fellow Yeerks." Councilor Nine said, hurrying on to the stage where the rest of the council was seated.

"Visser Three why are you not sitting?" Councilor Five asked after a moment. "Do you think you're better than the rest of us?"

"No councilor." Visser Three lied. "I respectfully remind the council that this Andalite host is incapable of sitting in a chair."

"Surely you jest, Visser Three." Councilor Seven said disapprovingly.  
"The message clearly stated that this was a human host event, did it not?"

Visser Three's silence indicated that, no, he had no idea that this was to be a human event and he immediately planned to execute the officer responsible for not informing him of this fact before realizing he had already killed him earlier.

«If the council could be so kind as to give me five minutes…» Visser Three started beginning to morph.

"We have already given you sixty minutes!" Councilor Three snapped.

"What is five more minutes really?" Councilor One sighed. "Hurry up."

Quickly, Visser Three completed his morph, a would be handsome, powerful looking man save for the fact that he was clad in nothing but bright red boxers.

"Finally!" The previously emboldened controller said as Visser Three, at long last, sat down and he lead the auditorium into an eruption of applause.

"Nice boxers." A lady whispered and annoyed, Visser Three turned around to the just as annoyed face of Visser One.

"You!" Visser Three growled.

"Surprise." Visser One said sarcastically.

"My fellow Yeerks!" Councilor Eight said and Visser Three bit back his epic comeback involving Gedds, Z-Space and Visser One's mother. "The Yeerk Empire is at a critical stage in its future. Earth represents a turning point in our goal of galactic conquest and continued survival. This planet contains the hosts and resources that we need to ensure victory against the Andalites."

A roar passed through out the auditorium.

Councilor Eight raised his hands for silence before continuing.

"Because the Earth is so important, so vital to securing the success of the Yeerk Empire we have put only the best Yeerks in charge of conquering the planet. Visser One and Visser Three!"

A spotlight highlighted the two and the auditorium roared with approval again.

Visser Three stood up, basking in the glory of the council and his brother Yeerks, while Visser One, shook her head slightly, keeping her eyes fixed straight ahead.

"Sit down you idiot." she muttered in an undertone.

«Stand up you idiot.» Visser Three retorted in private thought speech. «This is our moment of glory! More my moment than your's of course...»

"Visser One, as you all know was the first Yeerk on this planet."

"She alone, founded the Sharing, constructed the first underground version of what has become the Yeerk pool, secured the land for bug fighters and bases. Our hosts numbers were exploding.  
We then put in place the brilliant Visser Three, first Yeerk to ever capture an Andalite Host, hero of the Hork-Bajir home world and crushing the hork-bajir resistance. We surrounded him with high ranking Yeerks and young potential stars, bug fighters, Hork-Bajir and Taxxons, all the power needed to destroy the Andalite bandits."

"After this switch was made we started noticing a disturbing trend. The rate of new hosts has been slowing over the past few years and is projected to be on the decline within three. The Andalite bandits have yet to be captured and there have been many incidents where our presence has come close to being revealed."

"Told you so." Visser One smirked as Visser Three sat down hard, his expression turning into poorly concealed rage, the audience booing appropriately lead by none other than the sassy guy who back-talked to Visser Three earlier.

"What could the problem be? Obviously, something is wrong. Something needs to be done, something needs to change."  
"Our earlier conquest involved, Hork-Bajir, Taxxons and Gedds. None of these species were smart, none of them were complicated but humans, humans are more intelligent, infinitely more complex, more of a challenge.  
It is my personal belief that in order to conquer an opponent, you must understand your opponent.  
Therefore, the council has agreed to open Yeerk Academy, where you will learn everything there is to know about humans!"

The councilor paused for several long seconds for what he had obviously planned to be loud cheers of approval and applause.  
There was none except for several suckups who clapped at everything a councilor said but none more louder than Iniss, the biggest suckup in the history of the Yeerk empire.

"You will-" the Coucilor continued, flapping his hands downward to quiet the non-existing applause.  
"You will have a three years window in which to complete the course and obtain your certificate. From that point on, a certificate will be a requirement for working on Earth; you will not be allowed an Earth host without such a certificate unless it is to attend the Academy."

"Permission to speak councilors!" Visser One requested, standing to her feet. "Surely I do not need to attend these classes? I have had a human host for over a decade and am quite understanding of humans."

"And we all know that went rather well didn't it?" Visser Three added coldly and Visser One's eyes flashed angrily.

"I wrote the first books on infesting humans!" Visser One continued.  
"I pioneered the field of human psychology. Everything anyone knows about Yeerks is because of me!"

"Well I have a WAR to wage!" Visser Three roared angrily. "How am I supposed to do these stupid classes and take over the Earth?"  
The anger effect was diminished by the fact that it is quite difficult to take a boxer clad man seriously.

"You will have an assistant to carry out your orders." Councilor Eight responded. "You will be taking a guiding/advisor role while they execute your orders."

"Sir this is a great idea!" Iniss grinned, turning on full suckup mode. "I can't wait, when do our classes begin?"

"Please stop being a suck up," Councilor Nine sighed and Iniss' checks flushed pink.

"Classes will begin tomorrow morning at eight o' clock tomorrow!" Councilor Eight said with an enthusiasm that failed to be infectious.  
"Right now, you will all head to your dormitories, which can be found by querying any computer and then get acquainted with your roommates. For those of you who are important enough to have assistants, they will be with you in about a half and hour. That will be all for today! And remember the number one rule of Yeerk Academy... do NOT alert the humans and especially not the Andalite bandits to our presence. Anyone who does will be executed."

There was a miserable shuffling of feet as Yeerks headed off to their various dormitories, muttering obscenities along the way.  
"Visser Three sir?" Four men came up to him, carrying a variety of restraints, dracon beams, a suit, a grapefruit and dragging along a struggling man.  
Another guy took a deep breath. "You're going to have to morph back into an Andaliate and use your human host head instead. The council doesn't want you getting stuck in morph."

"Are you serious?" Visser Three said in shock. "Leave my Andalite host body!"

"Dead serious." The man nodded, sinking his teeth into the grapefruit.


	3. Roommates

Visser Three tapped the computer monitor.

«Your name?» The computer intoned cooly.

"Visser Three." Visser Three said just as cooly.

«You are in dormitory 696.» The computer said in a digitally perfected and therefore unbeatable cool tone.

Muttering all sorts of things under his breath, Visser Three headed off and pushed open the door.  
Three other men lolligagging around the room with their hands in their pockets looked up.

"Visser Three?" A voice breathed.

"Iniss." Visser Three groaned in recognition.

"Oh lord." Tom said softly from the bottom of a bunk bed.

"Visser Two?!" Visser Three said in alarm.

"Visser Three! What's up buddy?" Visser Two drawled.

Visser Two looked like a cowboy, tall and rugged with a scruffy beard, piercing blue eyes and complete cowboy attire; a black cowboy hat tipped forward, shading half of his eyes, a blue collar shirt, black jeans and black pointed toe boots. He was well known throughout the Yeerk empire for his unbeatable piloting skills and strategizing expertise.

Visser Three hated him for several reasons but none more than the fact that he had a higher ranking.

"No!" Visser Three growled through gritted teeth, glaring at Visser Two.

The door crashed open and a girl backed in, dragging in a suitcase.

"Girls in our dormitory?" Iniss said in confusion.

"A girl?" Tom said his eyes lighting up and he lifted his heads.

"Hello boys!" Taylor said, turning around with a maniacal grin and Tom's eye dulled and his head dropped once more.

"What are you doing in here!" Visser Three boiled. "Get—OUT!"

"Isn't this 699?" Taylor asked, puzzled her nose wrinkling in confusion.

Visser 2 winked. "Sorry little lady, the room you'll be wanting is across from here."

"Oh- Oh my gosh, Visser Two!" Taylor squealed, nearly bouncing with uncontrolled excitement.

She dropped the suitcase and dashed out into the hall throwing open her own dorm door.

"Girls, you'll never guess who is in the dorm across from us!" she giggled.

Any response the girls may have had as they entered the room was drowned out by Visser Three's long howl of rage.

"Noooooo!" Visser Three howled lengthily with rage. "This cannot be! Why are you across from my room!"

"I'm no more the happier about this than you are." Visser One said drily. "Now shut up."

Iniss' eyes gleamed with pleasure. There were three Vissers to suck up to perhaps he would finally get a promotion.  
Not that he would go into Visser One's dormitory but... if she happened to be outside he could help her with… anything that she might need doing while she was outside. Yeah!

"Why if it isn't Visser One!" Visser Two drawled, swaggering forward until he was just in front of her, cocking a hip and leaning a hand near the top of the door frame.

Taylor and the other girl looked as if they might faint but Visser One kept the same cool expression.

"Hello, Visser Two." Visser One said.

"It's been a while! Last time I saw you was at the official Yeerk ceremony when they decided to give you the top rank over me."

"Nonsense!" Visser Three interrupted angrily. " It should have been me."

Visser Two smirked. "Yeah, not really. Anyway, I was thinking we should do dinner, catch up on old times."

"I was thinking we shouldn't." Visser One said, promptly wheeling around. "Really Taylor, I thought there was someone interesting in the dormitory across from us."

Visser Two chuckled unperturbed as the girls left, Taylor turning to shoot Visser Two one last look but Visser Three kicked the door closed angrily.

"What do you think you're doing?" Visser Two drawled lazily.

Visser Three huffed up with indignant rage. "Visser Two I will not take any of this higher ranking crap from you! If I want to close the door—"

"Not you," Visser Two said dismissively and then pointed to Iniss. "Him."

Iniss froze near the top of the ladder. "I'm-I'm lying down in the top bunk." he faltered, already knowing what was going to happen.

Visser Two didn't say anything else merely fixing Iniss with steely eyes until with a sigh, Iniss climbed back down the ladder and took the bottom bunk.

Not to be outdone, Visser Three turned to stare at the bottom bunk where Tom was lazily lounging.  
"I'm not moving," Tom muttered, his eyes closed.

"I beg your non-Visser ranked pardon?" Visser Three yelled.

"I SAID I'm not moving. I like the bottom bunk and—"

In one swift motion Visser Three hurled Tom from the mattress to the floor.  
"So this host's whiny brother IS good for something!" Tom said, with a smile as he climbed to claim the top bunk.  
"What?" Visser Three snapped.  
"Never mind."

There was a loud knock on the door and a second later, four assistants entered the room and Iniss nearly fainted with excitement when he realized he was getting an assistant too.  
Two of the assistants immediately stood out.  
The first was a large, very muscular man with bronzed skin, thick black hair and gleaming white teeth.  
He was dressed sharply in a dark suit.  
The other was a tall, sexy blonde, with the type of blue eyes you could lose yourself in and a body to go crazy over.  
There was a small cough and the four roommates turned to look at the other two.  
One was an old man with, a thick grey mustache, square glasses and a mess of gray hair.  
The other guy looked to be in his early twenties and had a geekish kind of look about him wearing glasses and a short scrubby brown beard. He wore a t-shirt with some slogan on it, blue jeans and was wearing some kind of headset with accompanying mouthpiece.  
A small device was in his hand and he tapped away at the device with both thumbs.

"Looking for Temrash?" Tom asked the girl hopefully, sliding to his feet and trying to look cool, relaxed and handsome.

"Actually I'm looking for Iniss?" The lady said, looking around the room.

"No way!" Tom groaned and Iniss' eyes lit up, not believing his luck.

"Well, I think your mistaken ma'am," Visser two drawled sauntering over to her.  
"Surely they wouldn't stick a pretty thang like yourself with that loser over there."

Iniss looked infuriated and then this expression quickly turned to dejected and beaten.

"No!" Visser Three said, angrily striding over to Visser Two. "I am the only one who will bully and instill fear into my underlings! Give the girl back to Iniss!"

"The girl's mine now!" Visser Two said.

"I-It's okay Visser Three sir." Iniss said worriedly. "I-I don't mind. I'll just take whoever Visser Two was supposed to have."

"You will NOT!" Visser Three thundered, and Iniss shook slightly. "Stand up straight, stop quivering and show some backbone!"

Visser Two reached out a hand and shoved Iniss to his butt, Iniss promptly bursting into tears.  
"You are truly pathetic Iniss," Visser Three sneered, shaking his head in disgust. "Just take Visser Two's host."

"Max," the handsome bronzed guy grinned, every tooth a sparkle, and nearly crushed Iniss' hand during their handshake.

"And that means I get you," Visser Three sighed, motioning towards the tech guy.

"Actually you're supposed to get this old guy but we all know that's not going to happen." Tom muttered.

Without warning the older assistant smacked Tom on the back of the head.

"Ow! What was that for!" Tom snapped angrily.

"Respect your Vissers at all time! They are your commanders and your superiors! Secondly, my name is Anissis 2452." The old guy said.

Visser Three nodded approvingly; perhaps the old guy, er, Anissis would be able to keep Tom in check, the Yeerk was too power hungry.  
The door opened and Visser One entered along with a teenager and bright green eyes.

"WHAT are you doing back in here!" Visser Three roared. "You cannot just go barging into our dormitory."

"This is the infamous Visser Three" Visser One said to the girl, completely ignoring him as usual.

"He's always up to something foolish and I have no doubt his assistant will be as well. It'll be your job to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't blow the entire invasion."

"That is the notorious, much despised Visser One." Visser Three snarled at his assistant.  
"She is a danger to the Yeerk Empire. Hate her! Despise her! Thwart Her! Dom— are you listening to me?"

"What?" tech guy said without looking up from a handheld device.

"Stop playing on those human iFacePalm things when I'm talking to you!" Visser Three snapped, smacking the device into the wall and tech guy went mental.

"What is WRONG with you! That was a prototype handheld device for yeerks! I've been working on it for years and your dumbass destroys it in five seconds."

Iniss screamed in terror and covered Max's and his own eyes.  
Tom stared with a mixture of shock and approval—Visser Two and One themselves, stared in disbelief.  
Out of reflex, Visser Three swung his butt around but instead of the satisfying fwapping sound of his blade cracking through the air he lost his balance and toppled over onto the floor.

"Note his quickness to anger and his tendency to be irrational." Visser Three heard Visser One telling her assistant as they left the room. "These are some of his key—"

Exactly what it was that was key they never found out because Visser Three had stretched forward and violently slammed the door shut.

"So…does anyone want to play poker?" Iniss asked brightly, pulling a deck of cards from his rear pocket.

Visser Three groaned and smashed his head against the floor.  
It was going to be a long day.

"Go fish?" Iniss asked when no one seemed to respond to his Poker idea.

A VERY long day.


End file.
